Lately I feel like you don't listen to me at all.
And the following immediately comes to mind:
That's not true.
Then perhaps we continue:
I listened to you for half an hour yesterday, after all.
And the other person replies:
See? You're just defending yourself again.
Criticism is unpleasant precisely because we often don't hear it merely as information about one specific behavior.
We may hear it as:
“I'm a bad partner.”
“I'm an incompetent colleague.”
“I failed.”
And so we start defending ourselves before we even find out what the other person wanted to tell us.
Defensiveness is natural, but it often blocks the conversation
Imagine that a colleague tells you:
It bothers me that you often interrupt me in meetings.
You may immediately feel like replying:
That's not true, everyone interrupts each other there.
Or:
That's because you talk for so long.
There may be some truth in these responses.
But so far, you haven't addressed what your colleague is telling you at all.
The conversation can easily change from:
“This specific behavior bothers me.”
to:
“Which of us is right?”
Accepting criticism does not mean agreeing with everything
When someone criticizes something, you don't have to automatically say:
You're right.
You can first find out what exactly they mean.
For example:
Can you tell me about a specific situation when I interrupted you?
Or:
If I understand you correctly, what bothers you most is that I start responding before you finish your thought?
You are not admitting anything by doing this.
You're simply trying to understand what the other person is really saying.
Only then can you decide whether you agree with it.
Understanding first, explanation afterward
A common reaction to criticism is:
But I didn't mean it that way.
That may be true.
But the other person often isn't talking about your intention. They're talking about the impact of your actions.
For example:
When you keep looking at your phone during our conversation, I feel like you're not listening to me.
Automatic defense:
But I am listening to you.
A more helpful response might be:
I understand that when I check my phone during our conversation, it makes you feel like I'm not paying attention to you.
And only afterward:
I was waiting for an important message, but I should have told you.
Your perspective hasn't disappeared.
You simply didn't use it as your first defensive reaction.
Separate the specific problem from a judgment about your personality
Not every criticism is expressed well.
Someone might say:
You're completely unreliable.
That's a very general judgment.
You can bring the conversation back to specific behavior:
What specifically happened that makes you see it that way?
You may find that what bothers the other person is:
You said you'd come at six, and you arrived almost an hour late.
Now you have something specific to respond to.
That's true. I arrived late and should have let you know.
You don't have to accept the conclusion because of this:
I'm an unreliable person.
You can take responsibility for a specific action without accepting the label.
Criticism may contain something useful, even when it is exaggerated
Imagine the sentence:
You never listen to me.
The word “never” is probably exaggerated.
But if you focus only on it:
That's not true. I listened to you last week.
you can easily overlook the real problem.
You could say instead:
I don't think I never listen to you. But it sounds like you feel I haven't been paying enough attention to you lately. What specifically bothers you?
This way, you reject the inaccurate generalization without discarding potentially useful information.
Beware of lengthy explanations
A defensive reaction doesn't have to be aggressive.
It can also look like this:
I know I arrived late, but I had a lot of work, then there was traffic, someone else called me, and actually I wanted to leave earlier…
The longer we explain, the more the other person may hear:
“Actually, it's not my fault.”
Sometimes a short response is much stronger:
Yes, I arrived late. I should have let you know. I'm sorry.
You can explain the reason later, if it's important.
But first, you can show that you have genuinely heard the problem.
What if the criticism is unfair?
The ability to accept criticism doesn't mean letting someone say anything to you.
For example:
You forgot to go shopping. You don't care at all about what I need.
The first part may be justified:
You forgot to go shopping.
The second part assigns a motive:
You don't care.
You can say:
I forgot to go shopping, and I take responsibility for that. But I don't agree that it means I don't care about what you need.
It is possible to accept the justified part of the criticism while rejecting the disproportionate part.
Criticism is not the same as a personal attack
There is a difference between:
I didn't like the way you behaved.
and:
You're just an idiot.
The first sentence allows you to talk about specific behavior.
The second is no longer feedback, but an attack on the person.
You don't have to accept it in the name of being “open to criticism.”
You can say:
If there's something specific I did that bothers you, let's address it. But I don't want to continue if you're going to insult me.
Accepting criticism and setting boundaries are not opposites.
Try asking yourself three questions
When someone criticizes you, it can help to slow down and go through these questions in your head:
- What specifically is the other person telling me?
- Is there something in it that I can accept?
- What, on the other hand, do I disagree with?
For example:
You can't agree on anything with me. You always change everything.
You might conclude:
- I disagree with the label “you can't agree on anything with me,”
- the word “always” is exaggerated,
- but I really did change our last two arrangements at the last minute.
Your response could then be:
I don't think it's impossible to agree on anything with me. But you're right that I changed our last two arrangements at the last minute. I understand that it annoys you.
That is much more precise than either:
Fine, everything is my fault.
or:
That's complete nonsense.
You don't have to respond immediately
Some criticism affects us so deeply that we are unable to respond calmly.
Instead of counterattacking, you can say:
This isn't easy for me to hear. I need a moment to think it over.
Or:
I want to respond to you, but right now I feel like I'd only respond defensively. Can we come back to this in a little while?
A pause doesn't have to be an escape.
If you genuinely return to the topic, it can be a way to prevent unnecessary escalation.
The goal isn't to stop feeling hurt
Criticism can hurt even when it is expressed well.
The goal isn't to become someone who doesn't care at all what others say about them.
It's more about developing the ability to create a little space between criticism and your reaction.
Instead of immediately saying:
That's not true.
try first:
What exactly do you mean by that?
Instead of:
And you do exactly the same thing.
try:
What specifically is the problem for you?
And instead of:
Fine, I guess I'm terrible.
try:
I accept this part. But I don't agree with this part.
That is a very different way of communicating.
The hardest part is a real conversation
When reading an article, we have time to think through the right response.
In an ordinary conflict, however, someone might say:
You can't talk to me at all. The moment I tell you something, you start making excuses.
And you have only a few seconds to respond.
That's precisely why you can practice a similar situation in Duovio.
A virtual person will give you unpleasant feedback, and you will respond in your own words. You can practice how to first understand what the other person is telling you, accept the justified part, and calmly reject what you consider unfair.